Parallel Universe

The streetlights pass by in a haze one after the next
Like military drones standing reluctantly in line preparing to salute
My eyes are glued to the road yet they reflect nothing but a hollow void;
A seemingly more desirable destination than my own chamber of dread

I'm miles away in that bastard land of make-believe
Where I won't have to drink to numb the pain corroding my heart
Won't have to sedate my pounding brain and crumbling sense of self
A place where the torment just sort of...
..drifts away with the burning clouds at sunset

Then all too quickly the sound of metal crushing, twisting, contorting
Pain and despair mixed with Jack and Jim overwhelm my eardrums
My life and my insides rip apart in steady, painfully precise synchrony
My vision nothing but a blur as voices hover with all their taunting
'I told you so's and 'could have been's

Launch me across the universe and all those that lie parallel
And land me right back in this heaping pile of rubble and stinking sulfur
While I navigate through a maze of smoke and glass and shame
Wishing I could just close my eyes and wake up in the clouds...

Instead, I heave the door open with every ounce of effort I can muster
Stumbling out of the car in all my glory and refinement,
"Look what I've become!"
The miraculous walking product of yet another
Should-have-been-life-ending-mistake.

If only the forgiving earth would swallow me up where I stand
In one profound gulp
Or perhaps, in disdain, cast me into a gaping black hole
Shall I burst into a magnificent array of flames?
Or throw myself out of a perfectly good airplane
Conveniently forgetting my parachute?

I'm deliriously faded
Just like everyone else

..and no one else.

I'm sick with myself
I scarcely eat
Every muscle forgets how to relax
Or what a day without a hundred stabbing, venomous knives feels like

I try to resume my functioning in every day life; a feigned attempt of normalcy
All the while, every passing car is yet another ostensible tomb

I can't see outside of myself anymore.
I'm lost in a vast ocean of failure, misery and burnt-out hope
No one casts out a steady lifeline
I'm not sure I could grab a hold of it if someone did
I lack the strength, the courage; the spirit I once had...

..to keep fighting