My dA subscription ends on Sunday, sad day!!!

So I decided that love is fickle. Perhaps there are different levels of the so-called love experience that we encounter throughout a lifetime, and however positive or negative that experience(s) may be determines for the rest of your life how you approach similar situations of "love".

For example, someone who might have fallen in love at an earlier age and with someone quite a bit older, likes to pursue what seems unattainable to them. When and if they "attain" said person, they lose interest and search for someone else; someone new and exciting who still presents a challenge. It's like catch and release when you're fishing, only apply it to the opposite (or same) sex.

Then there's the person who consistently falls for the abusive type. It can be guy or girl, and any form of abuse ranging from emotional and verbal to the physical. Said person is used to being treated a certain way, having their confidence destroyed and ego shattered as they are repetitively beaten into the dirt. Strangely, those are the relationships they feel most comfortable with because it's all they know. After all, what's a relationship without fighting, screaming, hitting, mocking, judging, name calling, etc. etc.??? Yeah. Right.

So what the hell does this individual do when all of a sudden out of left field an amazing person stumbles into their life and wants to give them everything they've ever been denied in the world of love, and THEN SOME?!?! Like heaven itself just opened up and dropped this strange being into their life and says, "alright, you've gone through the shit pool, now here's a keeper. Just don't fuck it up!"

What THE HELL do you do??

Well you see, if you're me, you run like a bat out of hell in the opposite direction because if something seems too good to be true, doesn't that ALMOST ALWAYS mean it is?? OR! Does it simply just make you a coward?

I don't know what the HELL to do with myself. I'm a mess. A chaotic, rambling, unappealing, royal mess. Someone good FINALLY comes into my life that won't treat me like shit, throw and smack me around, call me names or manipulate me...and ALL I can do, for the life of me, is sit around anxiously waiting for him to do EXACTLY those things! Because then, THEN it would feel normal to me. THEN I would be able to relax, drop the wall I've built around myself, and let the person in.

WHAT?? THE?? FUCK?? Any help people??